Wednesday, October 21, 2009


i really must change the picture up there! its fall now... i laugh, because adding that to my ever growing list of things to do might just make the whole damn thing fall down! i have two sick kids and a husband at home- my three year old has missed both days of school this week, and one last week- bummer for everyone.
its raining here now, and by that i mean it will be raining here until the beginnning of june. sigh. i cant help it, its depressing. portland would be the most perfect city if it the rainy season were only a few months!
as it is, i think we are moving back to southern california. strength in numbers and all that.
i cannot tell a lie- i miss the ocean! but maybe we will be back one day...
i am not sure if it was turning 30- or turning 31 in december- but i have never pondered my own mortality as much as i have in the last year. its like i am JUST figuring out that the pre-children life i led is:
never coming back
that i will never be the same, physically or spiritually
that really i wouldnt want to be.

that if i dont do the work now (on whatever part of my life that needs it) the responsibility is solely mine- not my husbands fault or parents or childrens.
excuse me while i become a yogini, lose 50 pounds eat raw and radiate positivity now.

i mean, am i the only mother who is overwhelmed by the housework and the errands and the marital issues and the lack of space and time to be alone or take a bath or write or paint?

i read an article about a woman who lost 85 pounds and got up at 4am to go to the gym and then went BACK to the gym at night- i will bet 5 million dollars she did not have children under 5 in the home. i bet you. because i have not taken a BATH in the last week because i couldnt. i passed out from exhaustion putting the girls down for bed. screw getting up at 4am to do ANYTHING!
but i guess that is why i do not have an advanced degree or real estate or whatever, because i am a very undisciplined person.
but, as my father would agree with, i make up for it in enthusiasm.
plus, i make a mean red sauce.
whats your version of "red sauce"?


Anonymous said...

have you read "Of Woman Born"
by Adrienne Rich?

possibly late 70s published?

major feminist, who wrote about the very conundrums you are tackling -
how to be a creative woman AND raise a family...
powerful book,
and might be reassuring/nourishing/affirming?

i'm not a mom, so i don't know first hand, but her writing was so vivid to me - the tearing inside, the conflict, the guilt, the love AND the yearning.

shaktigirl. said...

no, i dont know this book, but i would like too.
thanks for the book suggestion!

Anonymous said...

i was just struck, that while dense reading... its also very close to your story here and may be quite soulful.

i think i remember you from the MMB, and stumbled across your blog on "dancing mermaid's" blog list.



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