saucy.

i really must change the picture up there! its fall now... i laugh, because adding that to my ever growing list of things to do might just make the whole damn thing fall down! i have two sick kids and a husband at home- my three year old has missed both days of school this week, and one last week- bummer for everyone.
its raining here now, and by that i mean it will be raining here until the beginnning of june. sigh. i cant help it, its depressing. portland would be the most perfect city if it the rainy season were only a few months!
as it is, i think we are moving back to southern california. strength in numbers and all that.
i cannot tell a lie- i miss the ocean! but maybe we will be back one day...
i am not sure if it was turning 30- or turning 31 in december- but i have never pondered my own mortality as much as i have in the last year. its like i am JUST figuring out that the pre-children life i led is:
never coming back
that i will never be the same, physically or spiritually
that really i wouldnt want to be.

that if i dont do the work now (on whatever part of my life that needs it) the responsibility is solely mine- not my husbands fault or parents or childrens.
excuse me while i become a yogini, lose 50 pounds eat raw and radiate positivity now.

i mean, am i the only mother who is overwhelmed by the housework and the errands and the marital issues and the lack of space and time to be alone or take a bath or write or paint?

i read an article about a woman who lost 85 pounds and got up at 4am to go to the gym and then went BACK to the gym at night- i will bet 5 million dollars she did not have children under 5 in the home. i bet you. because i have not taken a BATH in the last week because i couldnt. i passed out from exhaustion putting the girls down for bed. screw getting up at 4am to do ANYTHING!
but i guess that is why i do not have an advanced degree or real estate or whatever, because i am a very undisciplined person.
but, as my father would agree with, i make up for it in enthusiasm.
plus, i make a mean red sauce.
whats your version of "red sauce"?

seeing.

its fall here now.
my oldest is in preschool and the baby is getting glasses today. we started a new treatment to shrink the hemangioma that has caused some vision loss, and no side effects! i am so grateful. as a mother, i want my children to be:
healthy
safe
happy
in that order. fall in the pacific northwest is a beautiful time- i have lived here almost a year! i was pregnant when i moved here last year,and now i have been here almost a complete year- i got here after the fall though, so this is the first time i have experienced it-it seems like the trees are ablaze with coppers, golds, oranges, yellows, crimsons, reds, auburns. at the farmers markets, the apples are in, and hot spiced cider.
i am starting to prepare root veggies and squash for dinners, and its light when we get up in the morning.
my husband and i speak of staying, of leaving, of renting a house in mexico, of saving for spain for next summer, of all of our dreams. it almost does not matter what we choose to do, as long as we do it as a family. really, where they are is my home. location is secondary.
i am practicing gentleness with myself- a hard one. i have not worked out in a long time, and i have to get back in....
we got a new (to us) station wagon and it is so safe and luxurious compared to the toyota we were driving, it really makes a difference in my driving- the girls are protected by side impact airbags and it is clean and cozy and i can listen to cds! exciting.
my life is blessed. my goals for this week are: a little bit of writing, painting, and stretching and blessing my body with movement. what are yours?