medical anxiety.

i just got off the phone with my babies doctor and it has been determined that she has adrenal supression from the steroid treatment she recieved as an infant for a large hemangioma growing on her eye.
she needs to go to her endocrinologist to rule out any adrenal disease/disorder but my mamas intuition tells me this is a side effect from the steroid.
she is three pounds under and several inches shorter then whats normal and her doctor expressed concern for her if there is any major illness- as her adrenal glands are not functioning properly, she is not able to fight infection. she suggested i go to emergency room at doernbechers childrens hospital immediately if that occurs.
all of this is so frightening.
but as my lovely dad suggested, she is healthy, active, developmentally fantastic in every way, and we will get through this and she will be fantastic.
i love you dad.
and if anyone else is reading this, please pray for health for my baby girl.
(she may be small, but she is SO tough)

connecting the dots.

i got a massage today and i literally felt my body let go and release. it was the best massage i have ever had.
as my body started to shift i felt like i had ephiphanies about my life and body, my body ideas and issues and how to go about change.
this massage therapist was an absolute healer.

i understand the connection of allowing myself to love myself.
this means honoring the quiet but wise voice that always seems to "know" what it is i need.
i run around all crazy and frantic half the time, the other time annoyed or overwhelmed or fearful. but that voice, which i believe comes directly from god and our angels, is what drives me to want to be better and leads my intuition. feeling my body so present got me INTO my present and i felt lighter as her hands soothed my aching muscles.
i realize that i can start however i want, but starting is what makes you go.

i felt relief. i felt gentle. i felt strong.

driving home, i realized that i am ready to let go of old ways of seeing things and have FAITH in my life, self, and destiny.
things can change a lot in twenty years, 10, 4 or 2. where i will be next year begins with my thoughts now.
i feel more hopeful.
i feel bountiful.
i feel joyful.

something shifted. it happened. i felt it. i feel it.
i hope that this new year bring lots of joyfullness to you, too.

ch-ch-changes.....

ohmylord its been a long while since i wrote. a long road trip to california, my 31st birthday and trying to get back into the swing of things back home (laundry, laundry and more laundry)more doctors appointments for my baby, it feels crazy.

i didnt feel christmas this year. that is until we bought a tree (we would have bought a live tree but we are moving soon-didnt know where to plant it, etc. i said blessings and thank you for this tree) and it is beautiful. we decorated the house and it feels like christmas. our oldest loves the idea of santa and even though i thought i would not want to perpetuate it, we are allowing santas presence to come on in. christmas really is for the kids.

i came back bloated and foggy from road trip food and proceded to go raw for a few days. it is amazing what your body can do when you are eating living and easily digested foods. i find myself incorporating more raw foods into my regular diet now and i feel much better.

i chopped off about 7 inches of hair and am sporting a very euro style bob- i also dyed it blonde.

the endocrinologists want to see our baby in this week- she is growing length wise but not weight wise, really. she is a full three pounds less then an average 9 month old and i am worried but trying to put it all in perspective. i hope her tests are fine and she is just a petite person. we think the steroid shot stunted her growth.
on a positive note, the large divot on her face is completely gone and her eyesight is normal for the first time in her life, we saved her eyesight.

we know that portland is an amazing city, but we are moving. we are really liking the idea of cabo or somewhere in southern baja, someplace sunny and warm. we are going to write our business plan and make the next move. just for a few months. we most likely will leave in feb.

there are major shifts happening. i dont know what yet, but i know how i feel. its like i look around at my life and there are split screens in front of me. as i go through the motions and daily, neccessary movements, its like i can see myself other places to at the same time. this always happens before a major shift.

i will post pictures as soon as possible- my husband got a nifty yet high tech camera and i am not sure how to download pictures from it yet.

sending love to anyone who happens to peruse this blog.

:)