a work of art.

last week sucked.

i felt out of control and weepy and sick and sad.

i took the girls to a bakery to get a grilled cheese for my three year old (she loves them, takes after her mama!) and i was holding my baby in the sling.

there was an old woman with brown sandals sipping soup at a near by table. i noticed her looking.

my face was red from crying, and my body was weak from the flu. i felt like i could not go on. i walked to the counter by her to pick up the grilled cheese, and she said
"i could not stop staring at you. you are so beautiful with your beautiful children and your face. you are a work of art"

well, i did what any sane person would do and promptly burst into tears.
it was a lovely moment and i told her so.

but this week is a different week. this week i am watering plants and tidying in my underwear (its hot here) with cuban boleros playing quite loudly.

i am thinking of much needed changes coming up for our family- a trip, a party, a move to house (we live in an apartment).....

i am feeling more whole, more settled, more me.

i am feeling the itch of paint to canvas, of word to paper, of smile to lips.

i am feeling ready to go. and ready to grow.

am i the only mother who.....

has a rich, sometimes sad, sometimes passionate, sometimes angry or contemplative internal emotional world that seems to hinder and or halt certain aspects of housekeeping or childrearing?

it is 10:30 am and i just finished feeding my three year old. i have not brushed her teeth or my teeth yet. the baby is still in pajamas.
my list, as of this second, of things to do:
clean all rooms/bathroom/kitchen
bathe baby
brush all teeth
gather children to walk across street to blockbuster for a free 99 cent childrens movie, so that i can occupy said three year old so i can clean and organize.
when i do not clean, my apartment threatens to make me feel like i need to check myself into a mental ward. that being said, CONSTANTLY CLEANING makes me feel like i need to check myself into a mental ward.

my baby had a cavernous hemangioma in her orbital cavity that was treated when she was 6 weeks old with a steroid injection. this treatment was absolutely neccessary because the hemangioma itself was starting to go towards her optic nerve- loss of vision was eminent and we caught it just in time. thank goddess. her eyesight is perfect and thanks to the fabulous people at the casey eye institute, my daughter will have no vision loss whatsoever.
however, the treatment left a rather large "divot" in her forehead- so, in addition to the pediatric opthamologist, we now have to see a pediatric dermatologist to see about the divot and what the treatment options are. it makes me feel grateful that my childs "condition" was treatable and that she is not ill. as a mother, i cannot imagine being helpless to care for one of my children.
i feel ashamed that i am so concerned over something that is purely cosmetic- but people keep asking me why she is frowning and furrowing her brow- she isnt, but looks like she is from the divot- in actuality she is the sweetest and happiest and smiliest baby i have ever had the privelege of being around. i want her face to reflect her sweet, laughing nature.

a few days ago, right after we saw her eye doctor for a check up, i noticed some swelling and bruising again, and now we have to meet up with her doctor again- something i am more then happy to do, but the worry about her vision is back.

these things, along with behavior issues with my three year old, along with money issues, along with arguments with my husband that leave him silent and fuming and me sobbing, that leave my three year old sullen and worried, with a house that never is clean enough, with money issues, keeps me distracted and hardly the mother i want to be and thought i would be.

but when do i become that mother? in time my children will not be children and the opportunity to be that mother will be gone. there will always be something in life that is hard. i seem to make an art out of taking the hard things and becoming crippled emotionally by them- for a little while.

of course, all of this leads back to my own childhood, and my own parents, and emotionally "taking care of" and blah blah blah.

i mean, americans are obsessed with wrapping things up, analyzing, moving on and getting over.

there are some things, i think, that just become a part of your internal landscape. you do not move on, get ove, or wrap it up succintly so that its pretty. you just accept.

today i am going to try to accept, and know that however permanently fucked up i feel, there is nothing permanent at all. i am going to try to enjoy my children, clean only so i feel more sane, and try to take some deep breaths.

one day the children and their incessant needs and therefore my constant feeling of inferiority will be gone, and i will have more time. but even still, my life will not be easy, because really, that is not what life is about.

life IS about beauty, though, and sadness, and hot pink geraniums and tiny strawberries with stems, and reading reading reading because it is the healthiest of all the "escaping" i have in my repertoire and the baby rolling over and screeching with delight and my three year old asking her daddy to "play that one song by billy joe!"

those are the things that sustain me and that i am going to try to concentrate on.

how about you?

pictures.

it seems like i only write several minutes at a time. SO i decided to post everything from the last week or so, even though some of them are only sentences. starting from most recent...

~~~~

sometimes i want to say SCREW the predictablity and complacency of life in the suburbs! LETS GO TO KAUAI or SPAIN or MEXICO and buy a little old rv and GO FOR IT while the kids are not in school and because we are young and because we CAN!!!

i dont WANT TO GROW OLD and know that i was BORED IN MY LIFE!

i am not saying i am bored- i am busy.

but i always feel that there is something more for myself, my girls, my husband.

im antsy.

and i just started writing and i have to go pick up my three year old.

i WILL be back. eventually. :)