burnt out.

i just thought of something-
if your burnt out, you have a lot of fire.

that would sum up my life right now. my life is never really peaceful and calm for very long- i seem to create fire because i live fiery.

sometimes i keep waiting for "something" to happen- until i realize the something IS happening, and its called my life. it is filled with the mundane chores and errands that only having small children will do, but its so much more then that too- i took a walk today because i couldnt get to the gym and it felt wonderful- i still cant believe HOW MANY flowers there are here. it wasnt as hot as its been in the last several days, but it was kind of overcast and muggy. i blinked and a mile and a half went by.

i tried on every single thing i owned yesterday and realized that i still look pregnant. i am not comfortable in my own body, and despite having lost 20 pounds immediately after giving birth, i have not lost one pound since then- three months ago.

its depressing.

but i am trying really hard to love myself and be gentle, because if my daughter came to me with the exact same scenario, i would be gentle and loving with her.

but i also love bread and cheese and wine and olive oil and dessert and while i do not have those things every day, i have them probably a bit too often to lose weight.

that combined with the fact that i HOLD on to my weight when im breastfeeding (unlike every other woman- THEIR pounds just MELT off, right? aargh.) then i am done breastfeeding and the pounds melt away because i dont need to eat as much, blah blah blah.

poo.


self love all i want, I HATE LOOKING PREGNANT WHEN I HAD MY BABY THREE MONTHS AGO!

i swear, i feel like the only woman in the world going through this.

please tell me its not just me.

and also, why dont mothers share some of the dark, lame parts of motherhood more often?

like for instance- i took the baby and my three year old to the grocery store. my three year old INSISTED i get the cart with the car on the end- well these carts are very hard to maneuver as they are like 40 times longer then the regular dang cart. ok, so i get the girls in the cart- big girl in the car, and little one in her car seat in the front. normally, i put her in the sling, but she is 13 1/2 pounds now, plus its hot, so its more comfy to do it that way sometimes.
so my three year old basically walks the whole way, refuses to be in the car part of the car, and the store is HUGE so i am running around after her trying to keep her from putting all of this stuff that im NOT buying into the car. she wants barbie chapstick, bubble bath, nail polish, hello kitty tooth brushes, apples, pizza etc etc etc.
the baby starts screaming, and then my three year old throws a tantrum, and im trying to get out of there and im sweating and i SWEAR I CAN FEEL MY BLOOD PRESSURE RISE.

now i know why nannies are hired. ( i was a nanny for ten years) people hired ME to do the stuff they didnt want to do and that would make their life easier. really, i was paid to be a chauffeur, personal assistant and household manager, i addition to light housecleaner and nanny.

whew.

i just wish moms like me would talk MORE about their messy house, or their tantrum throwing kid (really shes good, i swear) or how difficult it is to juggle the three year old and the husband and the baby and the housework and still manage to go to the gym so you can fit into pants that ARE NOT LEFTOVER maternity pants and still make dinner at the end of the night with a SMILE on your face.

and if you are wearing skinny jeans because you are skinny and your house is in perfect order and your kids only exhibit lovely behavior and you cook nutritious, delicious gourmet meals in heels then we probably wouldnt have much in common.
you should see my house.

but the plants and flowers on my balcony look gorgeous.