Thursday, June 25, 2009

minute by minute.

my mother is coming to portland.
i love her, and want to see her, and my three year old is so excited to see her "bammy" but why oh why does it bring anxiety?
why am i still a thirty year old little girl when it comes to my parents?

my husband and i have already discussed the three day trip- what to do, not to do, what we hope SHE wont do, etc.

do issues never go away?

things are going good without the tv. our older daughter seems so much happier. (we still let her watch movies on the laptop- only two a day and not at once)
i am so glad to make these little but significant changes for our family.

we are in a state of flux. we are waiting. one small decision and our lives could change forever financially- or stay the same.
its funny how the very idea of money can change the way you feel. leading me to believe that notions on money are every bit as important as making it.

its cloudy here in portland, again. i have never experienced a summer like this anywhere. i struggle with the gray and we talk of moving on once the leaves change color in the fall.

i belted out a song yesterday and surprised myself with my hoarse intensity.

i lost 4 pounds.
i am going to cut off all of my hair and dye it very blonde.

i am shedding, molting, shifting, reshaping.

i feel shaky with coffee and lack of sleep.
i had nightmares last night.
deep and terrible, they pinned me to the mattress.
i nursed with the window open and the breeze felt like a narcotic.
things are more awful at night.

sometimes i feel like my mothering prohibits my art, and i feel anxious and guilty for feeling this way, as it offers so many gifts. i knew there would be sacrifices, but i admit i did not know that they would be so soul wrenching.

am i the only one?

it really is a day to day process.
to my parents, thank you. i understand more now.

to other mothers, thanks for letting me know your difficulties as well. it makes me feel much less alone.

some days i feel like a queen, royal and gracious.
other days i feel like a maniacal freedom fighter- fighting for my own freedom, where two lives do not depend on me completely for survival.

i step forward. i am learning to let go, relax and take it minute by minute.

1 comment:

Brandi said...

when I lived in seattle, I had a really hard time with the grey as well. I needed sun. I totally understand.

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