i grew up on this beach.

isnt it beautiful?

california, im coming home!

even though we live in portland now, california will always be my home.
and even more specifically, the BEACHES of california are my home.

and speaking of beaches, i tried on a bathing suit today and was horrified.
until i realized that while my body is a body of a mother of two with not a lot of discipline what makes me beautiful is my

smile
laugh
kindness
sense of humor
paintings

and NOT my body. and so i am going to wear a bathing suit, bravely, on the beaches of southern california, because NOT going to the beach with my children, feeling the warm sun, swimming in the ocean would be a tragedy. and it would speak volumes to my two daughters about body concsiousness, and whom i want to teach to love their bodies.

so, california, i have missed you and your beautiful beaches, and most of all the sun. we get to shed layers of clothing for each 100 miles we drive.

cant wait.
oh, and bok choy garden? my most favorite veggie chinese restaurant in the world? you are closed. CLOSED AFTER GOING THERE FOR 15 YEARS! i bid you a bittersweet goodbye. sob, sniff. i will visit your sister restaurant in berkeley. you will be missed.
change happens. you have to roll with it.
anyone going anywhere fun soon?

spring forward.

its spring now. here in the pacific northwest, that means a lot of things. it means longer days, flowers bursting out of the center divide, in alleys, alongside roads, on the trees and in gardens. i planted primroses in the hail and 4 out of 6 nasturtiums are taking hold.
it means hints of sun where there was none in the deepest darkest parts of winter.
it means hope.
we are going to spain this summer.
i have been trying to network and do photo shoots to gather pictures and experience for my portfolio.
i am learning a lot about myself as a mother and wife.
we visited my family in florida and that was really good and good for me and my husband.
i am making changes in my life that feel really good. i feel inspired.
i am exercising again.
i am going to dust off the juicer.
i am going to stretch.
i am going to be more kind, to myself and to all of my conflicts and challenges. by this i mean, i am going to surround my hurts/pain/obstacles with kindness. i see things grow if kindness surrounds it.

books i am loving right now is anything by eckhart tolle and shakti gawain.

making time for myself.

making time for friends- its a ladies night tonight.

if you want peace, you have to be peace.

i am breathing in peace. and spring.


i WILL be posting pictures soon.
i have to show you spring. the trees look like veils of blossoms. its quite extraordinary.

and how is spring treating you?

painting.

i painted a picture today.
it is a painting of me.
it is not sophisticated. it does not reveal genius or really even talent.
but it felt so good i have decided to paint for myself anyways.
i wish i could figure out how to download pictures from our new camera onto the computer- then i could show you, but i am proud of myself because i painted for 20 minutes while the baby slept and i realized that the reason i HAVENT been creating is because the way i can create now is really a lot different from the way i could create before- and now i just have to create in the way that fits into my life.
in little pieces and time frames. little bits eventually add up into something bigger.

heres to painting.

different thangs.

i think i am going to take this blog in a different direction.
food?
makeup?

i think i am ok with that i can hang my hat on different hooks, not just the writing hook.
i can identify with all the different creative things i do.
i dont have to beat myself up for calling myself a writer but -gasp!- NOT writing.

stay tuned...

good things.

some things i am really grateful for, and things i am seriously digging:

a date by myself for TWO WHOLE HOURS!
i went to powells books (a three story full city block long bookstore- need i say more?) and roamed through the literature section and the poetry section and the new fiction section and the travel section. i wore my black boots and i sat and i read about cities in mexico and poems by black women inmates and saw calendars and journals and cards and magnets and more books then i have ever seen in my life.

i was in book heaven.

when i die, please let me drift endlessly as a readin' fool at powells.

oh my goddess, this place was amazing.. and i felt like i was swimming in an enormous bowl of words. AN ENORMOUS BOWL OF WORDS. and i was my own word/name floating around in all of these other words, and each person was their own word swimming amongst the books.

and then i went to the library. and to the little local food co-op, and had a coffee.
and the rain was just rain, not some siren call for depressed thoughts.

i am grateful for the health of my children and the fact that the next year will hold tremendous changes and beautiful experiences.

good things are not just "happy" things. good things can be hard things, too.

2009 was an extremely difficult year- hard. but good. i found a strength i didnt think existed within myself and i grew tremendously.

what are your good things?

good love.

i have decided that there only two things in the world that are the most important for me to remember.

am i good?
do i love?


within those questions are thousands of answers and more questions and they all lead back to those two.

being good, for me, is being connected to the source and essence of life- which is god, goddess, and love.

loving is being mindful and kind in every way and everything i do-to myself, family, actions, thoughts, daily routines.

there is a buddhist saying that says we should live each day like it is our last, we will find much joy in our lives then.

this helps me unbelievably when i get caught up in my own tangled webs of discontent or complaining (which is really just another way of hiding something, i find)

the best part about turning 31 is the awakening i feel.

my baby has her appointment tomorrow and either way we will know more.

i feel more at peace with everything, as i know that we will just continue to love her as we have been doing. most of it is out of my control. i have to let go.

on a completely different note, we got some rugs and something to hold our records, and something to hold our shoes, and our apartment feels different on an energetic level.
its amazing how sometimes the most simple of tasks can make such important changes.
!