you will always be my baby.

i remember when i lived in berkeley and my first sister went to school for the first time, and my dad told me he took her on the bus and held her hand and took her to school. i cried. i was only 19 or so.
well, i am 30 now and my first baby is going to school for the first time today. i am happy. she needs the structure, kids, play- but i cant help but feel a bit choked up about it.
she picked out her own backpack (a sunflower on it) and lunch container (a ladybug)and a purple water container and a new outfit for her first day. as she was drifting off to sleep last night, she says "mama? i be going to cool tomorrow? (yes baby) and you are going to drop me off? (yep!) will there be candy? (probably not honey) your the bestest mama in the whole world, and the best onest too. oh, and i like your boobies."
ha! :)
she is well done with breastfeeding as that is her baby sisters job now, but i guess kids remember the intimacy associated with nursing.
she makes me laugh.
she also makes me want to tear my hair out with frustration, and kick the wall. as of the last three months she is:
willful
highstrung
persistant
ornery
cranky
bored
tired
grumpy
frustrated
highly sensitive
picky
complainy

she is also:
hilarious
full of empathy
the best big sister in the world and soo gentle
sweet
eager
excited
willing
pure and fresh
making her way in the world.

she will always be my baby, even when she is 80 and i am in another lifetime.
so heres to my first daughter, the one with the chestnut colored glossy curls, huge brown eyes with golds and greens (if you look at 'em just right, in the light) eyelashes her eyebrows get tangled up in, and cream skin with roses floating in it. heres to my first child, who, along with my 22 hour labor, bulldozed a comfortable place in my heart and set up shop. she is what makes me better, and because of her, her sister will know an even different mommy.
i love you. be good at preschool baby!

all you need is love.

last line of last song of last beatles album:

and in the end
the love you take
is equal to the love
you make.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

my husband has been gone for 8 days, and heres some things i miss:

his almost completely full coffee cups he leaves all over the house- he takes ONE sip and then forgets about them, and then does that two or three times.

his whiskers all over the sink after he shaves.

someone to drink coffee WITH in the morning.

how we talk about whatever we are reading.

how even when hes not really listening i barrage him with my anecdotes and philosophies and how sometimes i will follow him all over the house, saying you know? you know babe? babe? babe? and he will just smile.

that in the morning, NO MATTER WHAT, he will say good morning.

talking about what we are going to do with our day.

his playing guitar. i miss singing our song.

my husband and i have been through everything. death, life and everything in between. good and bad. sorrow and loss. we have been friends and lovers and just parents of children and back again and in and outs of all the taboo things married people go through but no one admits. we almost got DIVORCED for crying out loud. we are getting into our groove and learning about ourselves within our relationship and re-discovering how we want it to be.

our five year wedding anniversary is on sunday. we have someone to watch the girls (thanks rebecca!) and we are going to go on a date ALL BY OURSELVES!

my husband is spanish and beautiful and mercurial. he is passionate and explosive and hotheaded. if you can hang through his exterior, you will see that inside he is gentle and loving and soft and generous and wise. he is a gemini, so you know, he is actually TWO people.

i have a box, in the corner of a closet, filled almost to the brim with letters we have written each other over the years. some of these letters were written in:

airplanes and airports
a blizzard in santa fe
various different beaches in california
kauai
miami
cafes
bars
restaurant's
cars
trains

if i were to put them all together and bind them with a ribbon, the letters would be a book. perhaps for our grandchildren?

i am exhausted. i do not think i would much like being a single mother of two.

and i am so glad that i have a little family and there are so many things to look forward to and to be grateful for.

close your eyes. imagine your life without your husband/wife/partner/children.
puts things into perspective when you picture your life without the people you love.

now love them. go.

a work of art.

last week sucked.

i felt out of control and weepy and sick and sad.

i took the girls to a bakery to get a grilled cheese for my three year old (she loves them, takes after her mama!) and i was holding my baby in the sling.

there was an old woman with brown sandals sipping soup at a near by table. i noticed her looking.

my face was red from crying, and my body was weak from the flu. i felt like i could not go on. i walked to the counter by her to pick up the grilled cheese, and she said
"i could not stop staring at you. you are so beautiful with your beautiful children and your face. you are a work of art"

well, i did what any sane person would do and promptly burst into tears.
it was a lovely moment and i told her so.

but this week is a different week. this week i am watering plants and tidying in my underwear (its hot here) with cuban boleros playing quite loudly.

i am thinking of much needed changes coming up for our family- a trip, a party, a move to house (we live in an apartment).....

i am feeling more whole, more settled, more me.

i am feeling the itch of paint to canvas, of word to paper, of smile to lips.

i am feeling ready to go. and ready to grow.

am i the only mother who.....

has a rich, sometimes sad, sometimes passionate, sometimes angry or contemplative internal emotional world that seems to hinder and or halt certain aspects of housekeeping or childrearing?

it is 10:30 am and i just finished feeding my three year old. i have not brushed her teeth or my teeth yet. the baby is still in pajamas.
my list, as of this second, of things to do:
clean all rooms/bathroom/kitchen
bathe baby
brush all teeth
gather children to walk across street to blockbuster for a free 99 cent childrens movie, so that i can occupy said three year old so i can clean and organize.
when i do not clean, my apartment threatens to make me feel like i need to check myself into a mental ward. that being said, CONSTANTLY CLEANING makes me feel like i need to check myself into a mental ward.

my baby had a cavernous hemangioma in her orbital cavity that was treated when she was 6 weeks old with a steroid injection. this treatment was absolutely neccessary because the hemangioma itself was starting to go towards her optic nerve- loss of vision was eminent and we caught it just in time. thank goddess. her eyesight is perfect and thanks to the fabulous people at the casey eye institute, my daughter will have no vision loss whatsoever.
however, the treatment left a rather large "divot" in her forehead- so, in addition to the pediatric opthamologist, we now have to see a pediatric dermatologist to see about the divot and what the treatment options are. it makes me feel grateful that my childs "condition" was treatable and that she is not ill. as a mother, i cannot imagine being helpless to care for one of my children.
i feel ashamed that i am so concerned over something that is purely cosmetic- but people keep asking me why she is frowning and furrowing her brow- she isnt, but looks like she is from the divot- in actuality she is the sweetest and happiest and smiliest baby i have ever had the privelege of being around. i want her face to reflect her sweet, laughing nature.

a few days ago, right after we saw her eye doctor for a check up, i noticed some swelling and bruising again, and now we have to meet up with her doctor again- something i am more then happy to do, but the worry about her vision is back.

these things, along with behavior issues with my three year old, along with money issues, along with arguments with my husband that leave him silent and fuming and me sobbing, that leave my three year old sullen and worried, with a house that never is clean enough, with money issues, keeps me distracted and hardly the mother i want to be and thought i would be.

but when do i become that mother? in time my children will not be children and the opportunity to be that mother will be gone. there will always be something in life that is hard. i seem to make an art out of taking the hard things and becoming crippled emotionally by them- for a little while.

of course, all of this leads back to my own childhood, and my own parents, and emotionally "taking care of" and blah blah blah.

i mean, americans are obsessed with wrapping things up, analyzing, moving on and getting over.

there are some things, i think, that just become a part of your internal landscape. you do not move on, get ove, or wrap it up succintly so that its pretty. you just accept.

today i am going to try to accept, and know that however permanently fucked up i feel, there is nothing permanent at all. i am going to try to enjoy my children, clean only so i feel more sane, and try to take some deep breaths.

one day the children and their incessant needs and therefore my constant feeling of inferiority will be gone, and i will have more time. but even still, my life will not be easy, because really, that is not what life is about.

life IS about beauty, though, and sadness, and hot pink geraniums and tiny strawberries with stems, and reading reading reading because it is the healthiest of all the "escaping" i have in my repertoire and the baby rolling over and screeching with delight and my three year old asking her daddy to "play that one song by billy joe!"

those are the things that sustain me and that i am going to try to concentrate on.

how about you?

pictures.