its been a long time.

major shifts happening.

the theme of my life right now is change. i cut off my hair and i am losing weight.
i am seeing and doing several different healing type of therapies ranging from conventional to alternative and i feel different on a cellular level.

my four year old starts school next week.
that leaves me with our toddler and the time will shift and sway, with one child to care for during the day instead of two.

the ocean yesterday swept in and out of my newly shorn hair and i breathed in the ions and i smelled and felt fall on its way.
time to paint again and sweep clean the cobwebs in the corners. time to wake up a bit earlier to sit quietly with my thoughts before the children wake, time to drink more tea and less coffee. time to carve out the time that feels most important. time to listen to the calling within me that comes from the source of my power, my creativity, from god and goddess.

time to recognize my own divinity and not just everyone elses. time to smile from my heart and not just my lips.

time to let go of old ways of being that keep me down, time to expand upward and outward, towards the heavens and beyond- towards infinity.

i let my fears slip away, a vintage slip- familiar and dramatic but with an acrid odor and moth holes- fall from my shoulders, fragment into fabric pieces that dissolve effortlessly into the abyss, making room for a new slip, with reinforced seams and a structured lining. and a petticoat with antique lace.

today i toss away labels of my "past" and let each experience of my life benefit me in the form of spiritual revelations.

revelations in each exact moment, to heal me.

with autumn on the way, i bow my head with respect for the summer and all i have learned up to this very moment in time.

palm trees and the breeze from the seas.

opening my self to my self takes practice.
i practice and practice, sometimes i forget,
sometimes i dont try, sometimes my life practice of becoming more authentically me is like a 3rd grader squeaking away on the violin.
i am putting roots down, maybe not forever, but for now, and sweeping the cobwebs of my life, literally, off the hardwood floors of my new little magical cottage, and out the door.
i am trying to be more patient with myself, my daughters, my husband.
i am re-learning, re-believing, and opening up my heart and soul to my lifes work.
what that lifes work is, i am not sure i know.
either way, it sometimes hurts but its worth it.
my head hurts, and it feels like old patterns exiting through my brain.
i feel amazing things waiting for ahead and i am ready to allow all wonderful things into my existence.
are you?

RAAAAWWWWWWRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok. i saw a picture of myself and i had back rolls. i looked 5 months pregnant and my jeans looked like tights practically.
i have gained and lost and lost and gained the same ten pounds since my baby was born 16 months ago. i am a vegetarian, but the lazy high fat high carb kind. (im italian, ok?)
so, i saw this picture and was absolutely horrified. can i be beautiful and be fat? im not sure. i see beautiful fat girls everywhere. i am not one of them. for me, this weight is about so much more then food. i eat when i am not hungry, i eat out of boredom, sadness, being tired. i make excuses for myself. i eat organic, healthy, non processed foods- but too much of them. i have been working out fairly consistently, but i saw this picture and decided NO MORE EXCUSES (or baguettes, croissants, butter, or cheese, for that matter)
SO.
I am on day THREE of almost all raw. Today is the first morning in i do not know how many years, where I DID NOT DRINK ALL OF MY COFFEE. for breakfast i had a green smoothie with kale, berrie, mango, acai, hemp seeds, a date, and some gogi berries. my skin, after only three days, is almost completely clear! diets dont work for me. i need to be able to eat my food and eat a lot and feel good about what i am putting into my body. i am going to post a before pic of me two weeks ago, and then a pic of me now and then in another two weeks. i am going to take it one day at a time.
i feel like a lioness, opening up- i did YOGA with my four year old this morning and she looked at me with her big brown eyes and said "mommy yoga makes me happy and tired"
send me positive vibes to keep up with my raw, pure and living foods plan. i feel so much better already. i need to lose 50 pounds. and i am going to lose it by eating RAW!

portland.

i will miss you, portland. oh, i will love seeing the sea again, dont get me wrong-but portland, i will miss your friendly people, your citizens and small business owners that give a damn about the environment, the services for people who live here that may be less fortunate.
portland, i will miss your many bridges and the way that there are roses growing in the center divide on the freeway in the summertime. i will miss the cherry blossoms in the spring, the way i feel safe even if im by myself at night, i will miss new seasons. i will miss stumptown coffee, the liberal and non judgmental way that is the p-town way.
i will miss the amazing team of doctors and specialists that helped me with my babies eye and treatments and who saved her eyesight and ruled out any major health issues with smiles and genuine caring and concern over her health.
i will miss the trees and forest and rainbows. i will miss the waterfalls, movie madness, and the food carts. i will miss the culture where there is a live and let live attitude that wants no part in the snobby southern california money culture that can leave you feeling, frankly, too fat and too poor (or that it even matters) in portland, you can be any size you fucking want and still be beautiful. and you can eat cheaply and well at the food carts!
portland, i will miss the beautiful willamette, where on the 16th floor of the ohsu center for health and healing where i have spent at at least dozens of hours of my time, i feel like i have gotten to know you well- winding and wide, you gently split portland into directions and create vistas wherever you may be looking.
portland, i will miss your independant radio, limbos, and a thriving art, boutique, music, gallery, and walking culture.
i will miss the clean air, the consciousness.
if southern california is slutty blonde woman in her 40's still beautiful but aging fast, portland is her curvy sister, perhaps not as flashy but worth the work and certainly as beautiful but in a less in your face way.
i love that, in portland, i can breastfeed my child wherever i want, in fact there are laws saying i CAN.
i love that portland has more midwives and birth centers then any other state and being odd, different, or counter culture here more the norm then the normal.
portland smiles on you.
if you can hack the 8 or 9 months of gray and rain, you will have the most blissful,glorious, sunny and hot and perfectly blue sky weather ever.
i love that portland has all the hipsters of the san francisco with almost none of the attitude.
in portland, being pale is ok. everyone is pale.
i love your portland oregon. your beer, your people, your music, your trees, your kindness.
one day, my family and i will be back.
thank you.

cycles.

we are moving and its crazy and i have moved a lot in my life and sometimes "the same" scares me while change is normal for me, and so i am posting the cycle of the moon to remind myself that the ebb and flow of life happens. and its good to just flow with it. My four year old needs more predictablity and stability and schedule and "the same" in her life to create a peaceful pattern. i am learning. we all are.
surrendering to the moment and the now, in addition with deep breathing, has been very beneficial in my life.
you should try it.

its raining here. again. i will not miss the rain, but i will miss the green.

my next post? loving portland.

special ways of being.

we are spinning some vintage ozark mountain music on vinyl on the record player and our house now is filling with boxes. the trees whisper and sigh under the weight of the rain storm/cold front blowing through and i held my daughter while she was sobbing and thrashing her body around for almost two hours this morning.
my four year old has sensory integration issues and difficulties and a lot of the time clothing can trigger meltdowns of astronomical and distressing proportions.
she cannot help it and i cannot, sometimes, soothe or help her. i just have to breathe and remind her (and myself) that its ok.
she holds her distress in her body and when we get to san diego i am going to start looking into cranio sacral therapy for her, amongst other things.
as a mother, my heart hurts for my first daughter whose brain does not handle regular and normal stimulus- sometimes i feel like we are all barely functioning. and then the "real" her, that is her beautiful essence comes through and i see that i just have to be her advocate in all ways, even from herself.
it never occured to me that i may have a child with special needs- but she does. she is special and her needs from me are special. and i am learning how to do it so she can function in this world.
and for me, too.
heres to new ways of being and mothering.

our own little magical cottage.

we found a magical cottage with a yard covered in morning glories.

we are moving from portland oregon back to san diego.

the "coincedences" are too weird- the landlord just moved from portland.
our four year olds favorite color is purple and her room is purple.
we just painted my brother in laws studio pale green and our room in the cottage is pale green.
i used to live on this street many many years ago.
it is a magical cottage with hardwood floors, a washer and dryer and a back yard where i can garden. it fits all of my criteria. it is less then five minutes from the school i want my four year old to go to.

the universe will meet your needs if you ask. i have seen it time and time again.

on another note, i have spent the last 5 days taking care of our four year old who either has the stomach flu or food poisoning....i mean, mothers day is every day when you are a parent! i have to admit, though, sometimes i fantasize about sleeping for three days and my favorite beach in kauai with nobody on it except for me.
:)
more later.