medical anxiety.

i just got off the phone with my babies doctor and it has been determined that she has adrenal supression from the steroid treatment she recieved as an infant for a large hemangioma growing on her eye.
she needs to go to her endocrinologist to rule out any adrenal disease/disorder but my mamas intuition tells me this is a side effect from the steroid.
she is three pounds under and several inches shorter then whats normal and her doctor expressed concern for her if there is any major illness- as her adrenal glands are not functioning properly, she is not able to fight infection. she suggested i go to emergency room at doernbechers childrens hospital immediately if that occurs.
all of this is so frightening.
but as my lovely dad suggested, she is healthy, active, developmentally fantastic in every way, and we will get through this and she will be fantastic.
i love you dad.
and if anyone else is reading this, please pray for health for my baby girl.
(she may be small, but she is SO tough)

connecting the dots.

i got a massage today and i literally felt my body let go and release. it was the best massage i have ever had.
as my body started to shift i felt like i had ephiphanies about my life and body, my body ideas and issues and how to go about change.
this massage therapist was an absolute healer.

i understand the connection of allowing myself to love myself.
this means honoring the quiet but wise voice that always seems to "know" what it is i need.
i run around all crazy and frantic half the time, the other time annoyed or overwhelmed or fearful. but that voice, which i believe comes directly from god and our angels, is what drives me to want to be better and leads my intuition. feeling my body so present got me INTO my present and i felt lighter as her hands soothed my aching muscles.
i realize that i can start however i want, but starting is what makes you go.

i felt relief. i felt gentle. i felt strong.

driving home, i realized that i am ready to let go of old ways of seeing things and have FAITH in my life, self, and destiny.
things can change a lot in twenty years, 10, 4 or 2. where i will be next year begins with my thoughts now.
i feel more hopeful.
i feel bountiful.
i feel joyful.

something shifted. it happened. i felt it. i feel it.
i hope that this new year bring lots of joyfullness to you, too.

ch-ch-changes.....

ohmylord its been a long while since i wrote. a long road trip to california, my 31st birthday and trying to get back into the swing of things back home (laundry, laundry and more laundry)more doctors appointments for my baby, it feels crazy.

i didnt feel christmas this year. that is until we bought a tree (we would have bought a live tree but we are moving soon-didnt know where to plant it, etc. i said blessings and thank you for this tree) and it is beautiful. we decorated the house and it feels like christmas. our oldest loves the idea of santa and even though i thought i would not want to perpetuate it, we are allowing santas presence to come on in. christmas really is for the kids.

i came back bloated and foggy from road trip food and proceded to go raw for a few days. it is amazing what your body can do when you are eating living and easily digested foods. i find myself incorporating more raw foods into my regular diet now and i feel much better.

i chopped off about 7 inches of hair and am sporting a very euro style bob- i also dyed it blonde.

the endocrinologists want to see our baby in this week- she is growing length wise but not weight wise, really. she is a full three pounds less then an average 9 month old and i am worried but trying to put it all in perspective. i hope her tests are fine and she is just a petite person. we think the steroid shot stunted her growth.
on a positive note, the large divot on her face is completely gone and her eyesight is normal for the first time in her life, we saved her eyesight.

we know that portland is an amazing city, but we are moving. we are really liking the idea of cabo or somewhere in southern baja, someplace sunny and warm. we are going to write our business plan and make the next move. just for a few months. we most likely will leave in feb.

there are major shifts happening. i dont know what yet, but i know how i feel. its like i look around at my life and there are split screens in front of me. as i go through the motions and daily, neccessary movements, its like i can see myself other places to at the same time. this always happens before a major shift.

i will post pictures as soon as possible- my husband got a nifty yet high tech camera and i am not sure how to download pictures from it yet.

sending love to anyone who happens to peruse this blog.

:)

thankful.

today, as some of my family gathers, i remember to breathe and to be grateful.
i prepared veggies and stuffing and appetizers and chopped and cut and organized and cleaned, and burned my hand and turned the oven up, then turned it down, and drank a glass of wine, and as everything cooks in the oven, and its 80 degrees here in southern california and my husband and children and grandparents gather, i am thankful and grateful for my life.
and for you.

my girls.

to be wed.

this sounds weird, but this song helped me make the decision to marry my husband, five long years ago...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUYgAw8abro

(and this is some writing i did concerning getting married and my passion for my husband....we have had a long road with time apart, but we are still together.
wow.)

concrete blonde's "someday" is playing into my soul.

have you ever had your "someday" become your now?

i sit in this september light, writing to you, and realize that we are creatures that are ever changing. we are responsible for our growth. we may not "change" people, but we most certainly effect them.

we change ourselves, however, and when your life is around the corner, and then you are climbing its hills, wading through its waters, weeping in its sorrows, predicting, breathing, becoming, evolving, ever wishing, ~

well. my someday has somehow hurdled through space towards me, since i was a child, and before that, even, the soul that is mine and mine alone, the me that is galaxies and star blood and moon shadows, this yet another blink of the universal eye, an outbreath of the goddess, a destiny i have caught up with.

bands of sparkling symbols circle round the ring finger of my left hand.

i chose not in fear but in trust and love.

dreams of writing and castles and books and flowers and babies in spain serenade me...

i blush and laugh into myself, this unpredictable and yet so perfect happening.

a wife? yes, and so much more.

i write this at the beginning of yet another journey and adventure as a woman, a soul.

i want to share the joy i feel with all who read this~

the whys and hows and whats are inconcesequential, what matters is our open hearts.

rainbows.

i had to get new tires put on our car today and it completely threw me out of my game, as i had soo many things to do for our trip to california, packing, errands, cleaning, etc.

im sitting at the tire place with the baby and my three year old and she is running around all over the place (i bribed her with popcorn) and the baby is fussing and it took a full hour OVER the time they said it would take.

and im grumbling and muttering and complaining and rolling my eyes and sighing and fidgeting and in general feeling annoyed (and im sure being very annoying) and i finally get the car and im stomping in puddles getting the kids in their car seats

and we get in the car.

and i look up and see a double rainbow.

a double rainbow!

and all three of us are staring into this beautiful, vast, rainy (yet sunny too!) pacific northwest sky and we start to giggle and we start talking about rainbows, and i see other people notice the rainbows, and pointing at the rainbows, and my dreary complainy day completely shifted.

sometimes, to see the rainbows, you have to look up.