my girls.

to be wed.

this sounds weird, but this song helped me make the decision to marry my husband, five long years ago...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUYgAw8abro

(and this is some writing i did concerning getting married and my passion for my husband....we have had a long road with time apart, but we are still together.
wow.)

concrete blonde's "someday" is playing into my soul.

have you ever had your "someday" become your now?

i sit in this september light, writing to you, and realize that we are creatures that are ever changing. we are responsible for our growth. we may not "change" people, but we most certainly effect them.

we change ourselves, however, and when your life is around the corner, and then you are climbing its hills, wading through its waters, weeping in its sorrows, predicting, breathing, becoming, evolving, ever wishing, ~

well. my someday has somehow hurdled through space towards me, since i was a child, and before that, even, the soul that is mine and mine alone, the me that is galaxies and star blood and moon shadows, this yet another blink of the universal eye, an outbreath of the goddess, a destiny i have caught up with.

bands of sparkling symbols circle round the ring finger of my left hand.

i chose not in fear but in trust and love.

dreams of writing and castles and books and flowers and babies in spain serenade me...

i blush and laugh into myself, this unpredictable and yet so perfect happening.

a wife? yes, and so much more.

i write this at the beginning of yet another journey and adventure as a woman, a soul.

i want to share the joy i feel with all who read this~

the whys and hows and whats are inconcesequential, what matters is our open hearts.

rainbows.

i had to get new tires put on our car today and it completely threw me out of my game, as i had soo many things to do for our trip to california, packing, errands, cleaning, etc.

im sitting at the tire place with the baby and my three year old and she is running around all over the place (i bribed her with popcorn) and the baby is fussing and it took a full hour OVER the time they said it would take.

and im grumbling and muttering and complaining and rolling my eyes and sighing and fidgeting and in general feeling annoyed (and im sure being very annoying) and i finally get the car and im stomping in puddles getting the kids in their car seats

and we get in the car.

and i look up and see a double rainbow.

a double rainbow!

and all three of us are staring into this beautiful, vast, rainy (yet sunny too!) pacific northwest sky and we start to giggle and we start talking about rainbows, and i see other people notice the rainbows, and pointing at the rainbows, and my dreary complainy day completely shifted.

sometimes, to see the rainbows, you have to look up.

quick words.

my life seems to be comprised of bits and pieces, little slots of times, jolts and starts, lulls and silences.

when i catch my breath, i realize i have been breathing too fast.

i was nestled in between my two girls last night and i felt momentary bliss. and i realized that bliss is always momentary, otherwise it would just be normal. bliss is not supposed to be every day- its supposed to be infused into the ordinary so we sit up and take notice.

my three year old asked me the other day if we could see God. i said well, you can see God when you look at the trees and mountains and skies and clouds. and she said oh, like God is painting! and then she said do kitty cats love God? and i said yes. and then she thought for a moment..... and said, and puppy dogs?

and that is what it is all about.

on another note, we bought a de-chlorinator for our bath tub and my daughters excema is going away and my skin is softer as well. who knew? god bless google.

i am trying to remember that sometimes inspiration does not find me, sometimes i have to conjure it up by sheer acts of will.
sigh.

send me good wishes for my road trip with two small little ones.
i will take pics from the road to show you.

bleh.

a very sick household and an underactive thyroid are making me feel less then inspired.
however, i am taking a holiday to california with my family and i will take and post pictures.
sending blessings to one and all who may read this. all three of you! ha! :)

saucy.

i really must change the picture up there! its fall now... i laugh, because adding that to my ever growing list of things to do might just make the whole damn thing fall down! i have two sick kids and a husband at home- my three year old has missed both days of school this week, and one last week- bummer for everyone.
its raining here now, and by that i mean it will be raining here until the beginnning of june. sigh. i cant help it, its depressing. portland would be the most perfect city if it the rainy season were only a few months!
as it is, i think we are moving back to southern california. strength in numbers and all that.
i cannot tell a lie- i miss the ocean! but maybe we will be back one day...
i am not sure if it was turning 30- or turning 31 in december- but i have never pondered my own mortality as much as i have in the last year. its like i am JUST figuring out that the pre-children life i led is:
never coming back
that i will never be the same, physically or spiritually
that really i wouldnt want to be.

that if i dont do the work now (on whatever part of my life that needs it) the responsibility is solely mine- not my husbands fault or parents or childrens.
excuse me while i become a yogini, lose 50 pounds eat raw and radiate positivity now.

i mean, am i the only mother who is overwhelmed by the housework and the errands and the marital issues and the lack of space and time to be alone or take a bath or write or paint?

i read an article about a woman who lost 85 pounds and got up at 4am to go to the gym and then went BACK to the gym at night- i will bet 5 million dollars she did not have children under 5 in the home. i bet you. because i have not taken a BATH in the last week because i couldnt. i passed out from exhaustion putting the girls down for bed. screw getting up at 4am to do ANYTHING!
but i guess that is why i do not have an advanced degree or real estate or whatever, because i am a very undisciplined person.
but, as my father would agree with, i make up for it in enthusiasm.
plus, i make a mean red sauce.
whats your version of "red sauce"?

seeing.

its fall here now.
my oldest is in preschool and the baby is getting glasses today. we started a new treatment to shrink the hemangioma that has caused some vision loss, and no side effects! i am so grateful. as a mother, i want my children to be:
healthy
safe
happy
in that order. fall in the pacific northwest is a beautiful time- i have lived here almost a year! i was pregnant when i moved here last year,and now i have been here almost a complete year- i got here after the fall though, so this is the first time i have experienced it-it seems like the trees are ablaze with coppers, golds, oranges, yellows, crimsons, reds, auburns. at the farmers markets, the apples are in, and hot spiced cider.
i am starting to prepare root veggies and squash for dinners, and its light when we get up in the morning.
my husband and i speak of staying, of leaving, of renting a house in mexico, of saving for spain for next summer, of all of our dreams. it almost does not matter what we choose to do, as long as we do it as a family. really, where they are is my home. location is secondary.
i am practicing gentleness with myself- a hard one. i have not worked out in a long time, and i have to get back in....
we got a new (to us) station wagon and it is so safe and luxurious compared to the toyota we were driving, it really makes a difference in my driving- the girls are protected by side impact airbags and it is clean and cozy and i can listen to cds! exciting.
my life is blessed. my goals for this week are: a little bit of writing, painting, and stretching and blessing my body with movement. what are yours?