quick words.

my life seems to be comprised of bits and pieces, little slots of times, jolts and starts, lulls and silences.

when i catch my breath, i realize i have been breathing too fast.

i was nestled in between my two girls last night and i felt momentary bliss. and i realized that bliss is always momentary, otherwise it would just be normal. bliss is not supposed to be every day- its supposed to be infused into the ordinary so we sit up and take notice.

my three year old asked me the other day if we could see God. i said well, you can see God when you look at the trees and mountains and skies and clouds. and she said oh, like God is painting! and then she said do kitty cats love God? and i said yes. and then she thought for a moment..... and said, and puppy dogs?

and that is what it is all about.

on another note, we bought a de-chlorinator for our bath tub and my daughters excema is going away and my skin is softer as well. who knew? god bless google.

i am trying to remember that sometimes inspiration does not find me, sometimes i have to conjure it up by sheer acts of will.
sigh.

send me good wishes for my road trip with two small little ones.
i will take pics from the road to show you.

bleh.

a very sick household and an underactive thyroid are making me feel less then inspired.
however, i am taking a holiday to california with my family and i will take and post pictures.
sending blessings to one and all who may read this. all three of you! ha! :)

saucy.

i really must change the picture up there! its fall now... i laugh, because adding that to my ever growing list of things to do might just make the whole damn thing fall down! i have two sick kids and a husband at home- my three year old has missed both days of school this week, and one last week- bummer for everyone.
its raining here now, and by that i mean it will be raining here until the beginnning of june. sigh. i cant help it, its depressing. portland would be the most perfect city if it the rainy season were only a few months!
as it is, i think we are moving back to southern california. strength in numbers and all that.
i cannot tell a lie- i miss the ocean! but maybe we will be back one day...
i am not sure if it was turning 30- or turning 31 in december- but i have never pondered my own mortality as much as i have in the last year. its like i am JUST figuring out that the pre-children life i led is:
never coming back
that i will never be the same, physically or spiritually
that really i wouldnt want to be.

that if i dont do the work now (on whatever part of my life that needs it) the responsibility is solely mine- not my husbands fault or parents or childrens.
excuse me while i become a yogini, lose 50 pounds eat raw and radiate positivity now.

i mean, am i the only mother who is overwhelmed by the housework and the errands and the marital issues and the lack of space and time to be alone or take a bath or write or paint?

i read an article about a woman who lost 85 pounds and got up at 4am to go to the gym and then went BACK to the gym at night- i will bet 5 million dollars she did not have children under 5 in the home. i bet you. because i have not taken a BATH in the last week because i couldnt. i passed out from exhaustion putting the girls down for bed. screw getting up at 4am to do ANYTHING!
but i guess that is why i do not have an advanced degree or real estate or whatever, because i am a very undisciplined person.
but, as my father would agree with, i make up for it in enthusiasm.
plus, i make a mean red sauce.
whats your version of "red sauce"?

seeing.

its fall here now.
my oldest is in preschool and the baby is getting glasses today. we started a new treatment to shrink the hemangioma that has caused some vision loss, and no side effects! i am so grateful. as a mother, i want my children to be:
healthy
safe
happy
in that order. fall in the pacific northwest is a beautiful time- i have lived here almost a year! i was pregnant when i moved here last year,and now i have been here almost a complete year- i got here after the fall though, so this is the first time i have experienced it-it seems like the trees are ablaze with coppers, golds, oranges, yellows, crimsons, reds, auburns. at the farmers markets, the apples are in, and hot spiced cider.
i am starting to prepare root veggies and squash for dinners, and its light when we get up in the morning.
my husband and i speak of staying, of leaving, of renting a house in mexico, of saving for spain for next summer, of all of our dreams. it almost does not matter what we choose to do, as long as we do it as a family. really, where they are is my home. location is secondary.
i am practicing gentleness with myself- a hard one. i have not worked out in a long time, and i have to get back in....
we got a new (to us) station wagon and it is so safe and luxurious compared to the toyota we were driving, it really makes a difference in my driving- the girls are protected by side impact airbags and it is clean and cozy and i can listen to cds! exciting.
my life is blessed. my goals for this week are: a little bit of writing, painting, and stretching and blessing my body with movement. what are yours?

you will always be my baby.

i remember when i lived in berkeley and my first sister went to school for the first time, and my dad told me he took her on the bus and held her hand and took her to school. i cried. i was only 19 or so.
well, i am 30 now and my first baby is going to school for the first time today. i am happy. she needs the structure, kids, play- but i cant help but feel a bit choked up about it.
she picked out her own backpack (a sunflower on it) and lunch container (a ladybug)and a purple water container and a new outfit for her first day. as she was drifting off to sleep last night, she says "mama? i be going to cool tomorrow? (yes baby) and you are going to drop me off? (yep!) will there be candy? (probably not honey) your the bestest mama in the whole world, and the best onest too. oh, and i like your boobies."
ha! :)
she is well done with breastfeeding as that is her baby sisters job now, but i guess kids remember the intimacy associated with nursing.
she makes me laugh.
she also makes me want to tear my hair out with frustration, and kick the wall. as of the last three months she is:
willful
highstrung
persistant
ornery
cranky
bored
tired
grumpy
frustrated
highly sensitive
picky
complainy

she is also:
hilarious
full of empathy
the best big sister in the world and soo gentle
sweet
eager
excited
willing
pure and fresh
making her way in the world.

she will always be my baby, even when she is 80 and i am in another lifetime.
so heres to my first daughter, the one with the chestnut colored glossy curls, huge brown eyes with golds and greens (if you look at 'em just right, in the light) eyelashes her eyebrows get tangled up in, and cream skin with roses floating in it. heres to my first child, who, along with my 22 hour labor, bulldozed a comfortable place in my heart and set up shop. she is what makes me better, and because of her, her sister will know an even different mommy.
i love you. be good at preschool baby!

all you need is love.

last line of last song of last beatles album:

and in the end
the love you take
is equal to the love
you make.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

my husband has been gone for 8 days, and heres some things i miss:

his almost completely full coffee cups he leaves all over the house- he takes ONE sip and then forgets about them, and then does that two or three times.

his whiskers all over the sink after he shaves.

someone to drink coffee WITH in the morning.

how we talk about whatever we are reading.

how even when hes not really listening i barrage him with my anecdotes and philosophies and how sometimes i will follow him all over the house, saying you know? you know babe? babe? babe? and he will just smile.

that in the morning, NO MATTER WHAT, he will say good morning.

talking about what we are going to do with our day.

his playing guitar. i miss singing our song.

my husband and i have been through everything. death, life and everything in between. good and bad. sorrow and loss. we have been friends and lovers and just parents of children and back again and in and outs of all the taboo things married people go through but no one admits. we almost got DIVORCED for crying out loud. we are getting into our groove and learning about ourselves within our relationship and re-discovering how we want it to be.

our five year wedding anniversary is on sunday. we have someone to watch the girls (thanks rebecca!) and we are going to go on a date ALL BY OURSELVES!

my husband is spanish and beautiful and mercurial. he is passionate and explosive and hotheaded. if you can hang through his exterior, you will see that inside he is gentle and loving and soft and generous and wise. he is a gemini, so you know, he is actually TWO people.

i have a box, in the corner of a closet, filled almost to the brim with letters we have written each other over the years. some of these letters were written in:

airplanes and airports
a blizzard in santa fe
various different beaches in california
kauai
miami
cafes
bars
restaurant's
cars
trains

if i were to put them all together and bind them with a ribbon, the letters would be a book. perhaps for our grandchildren?

i am exhausted. i do not think i would much like being a single mother of two.

and i am so glad that i have a little family and there are so many things to look forward to and to be grateful for.

close your eyes. imagine your life without your husband/wife/partner/children.
puts things into perspective when you picture your life without the people you love.

now love them. go.

a work of art.

last week sucked.

i felt out of control and weepy and sick and sad.

i took the girls to a bakery to get a grilled cheese for my three year old (she loves them, takes after her mama!) and i was holding my baby in the sling.

there was an old woman with brown sandals sipping soup at a near by table. i noticed her looking.

my face was red from crying, and my body was weak from the flu. i felt like i could not go on. i walked to the counter by her to pick up the grilled cheese, and she said
"i could not stop staring at you. you are so beautiful with your beautiful children and your face. you are a work of art"

well, i did what any sane person would do and promptly burst into tears.
it was a lovely moment and i told her so.

but this week is a different week. this week i am watering plants and tidying in my underwear (its hot here) with cuban boleros playing quite loudly.

i am thinking of much needed changes coming up for our family- a trip, a party, a move to house (we live in an apartment).....

i am feeling more whole, more settled, more me.

i am feeling the itch of paint to canvas, of word to paper, of smile to lips.

i am feeling ready to go. and ready to grow.