its been a really long time.

ok, i am going to start this blog back up. but it needs an overhaul and i am going to give it one before i start writing again.

!

another photo shoot.

my last photo shoot.

the lovely photographer is nicky ollerton, and the models name is jesse ( i will post her last name when i get it) and of course, me. i did the flowers, too. 
i LOVE photo shoots. its like alchemy, the makeup, the lights, the photographer, the model, the music, it all combines to create this FEELING that propels me. when i am doing makeup or flowers, i do not look at the clock. indeed, if i do catch the time, i am always shocked- THREE HOURS WENT BY SO FAST????!!!!!!! i think i have definitely found my calling. i want to be in italian vogue.
there.
i said it.
italian vogue, for me, would be the toppermost of the poppermost.
!

its been a long time.

major shifts happening.

the theme of my life right now is change. i cut off my hair and i am losing weight.
i am seeing and doing several different healing type of therapies ranging from conventional to alternative and i feel different on a cellular level.

my four year old starts school next week.
that leaves me with our toddler and the time will shift and sway, with one child to care for during the day instead of two.

the ocean yesterday swept in and out of my newly shorn hair and i breathed in the ions and i smelled and felt fall on its way.
time to paint again and sweep clean the cobwebs in the corners. time to wake up a bit earlier to sit quietly with my thoughts before the children wake, time to drink more tea and less coffee. time to carve out the time that feels most important. time to listen to the calling within me that comes from the source of my power, my creativity, from god and goddess.

time to recognize my own divinity and not just everyone elses. time to smile from my heart and not just my lips.

time to let go of old ways of being that keep me down, time to expand upward and outward, towards the heavens and beyond- towards infinity.

i let my fears slip away, a vintage slip- familiar and dramatic but with an acrid odor and moth holes- fall from my shoulders, fragment into fabric pieces that dissolve effortlessly into the abyss, making room for a new slip, with reinforced seams and a structured lining. and a petticoat with antique lace.

today i toss away labels of my "past" and let each experience of my life benefit me in the form of spiritual revelations.

revelations in each exact moment, to heal me.

with autumn on the way, i bow my head with respect for the summer and all i have learned up to this very moment in time.

palm trees and the breeze from the seas.

opening my self to my self takes practice.
i practice and practice, sometimes i forget,
sometimes i dont try, sometimes my life practice of becoming more authentically me is like a 3rd grader squeaking away on the violin.
i am putting roots down, maybe not forever, but for now, and sweeping the cobwebs of my life, literally, off the hardwood floors of my new little magical cottage, and out the door.
i am trying to be more patient with myself, my daughters, my husband.
i am re-learning, re-believing, and opening up my heart and soul to my lifes work.
what that lifes work is, i am not sure i know.
either way, it sometimes hurts but its worth it.
my head hurts, and it feels like old patterns exiting through my brain.
i feel amazing things waiting for ahead and i am ready to allow all wonderful things into my existence.
are you?

RAAAAWWWWWWRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok. i saw a picture of myself and i had back rolls. i looked 5 months pregnant and my jeans looked like tights practically.
i have gained and lost and lost and gained the same ten pounds since my baby was born 16 months ago. i am a vegetarian, but the lazy high fat high carb kind. (im italian, ok?)
so, i saw this picture and was absolutely horrified. can i be beautiful and be fat? im not sure. i see beautiful fat girls everywhere. i am not one of them. for me, this weight is about so much more then food. i eat when i am not hungry, i eat out of boredom, sadness, being tired. i make excuses for myself. i eat organic, healthy, non processed foods- but too much of them. i have been working out fairly consistently, but i saw this picture and decided NO MORE EXCUSES (or baguettes, croissants, butter, or cheese, for that matter)
SO.
I am on day THREE of almost all raw. Today is the first morning in i do not know how many years, where I DID NOT DRINK ALL OF MY COFFEE. for breakfast i had a green smoothie with kale, berrie, mango, acai, hemp seeds, a date, and some gogi berries. my skin, after only three days, is almost completely clear! diets dont work for me. i need to be able to eat my food and eat a lot and feel good about what i am putting into my body. i am going to post a before pic of me two weeks ago, and then a pic of me now and then in another two weeks. i am going to take it one day at a time.
i feel like a lioness, opening up- i did YOGA with my four year old this morning and she looked at me with her big brown eyes and said "mommy yoga makes me happy and tired"
send me positive vibes to keep up with my raw, pure and living foods plan. i feel so much better already. i need to lose 50 pounds. and i am going to lose it by eating RAW!

portland.

i will miss you, portland. oh, i will love seeing the sea again, dont get me wrong-but portland, i will miss your friendly people, your citizens and small business owners that give a damn about the environment, the services for people who live here that may be less fortunate.
portland, i will miss your many bridges and the way that there are roses growing in the center divide on the freeway in the summertime. i will miss the cherry blossoms in the spring, the way i feel safe even if im by myself at night, i will miss new seasons. i will miss stumptown coffee, the liberal and non judgmental way that is the p-town way.
i will miss the amazing team of doctors and specialists that helped me with my babies eye and treatments and who saved her eyesight and ruled out any major health issues with smiles and genuine caring and concern over her health.
i will miss the trees and forest and rainbows. i will miss the waterfalls, movie madness, and the food carts. i will miss the culture where there is a live and let live attitude that wants no part in the snobby southern california money culture that can leave you feeling, frankly, too fat and too poor (or that it even matters) in portland, you can be any size you fucking want and still be beautiful. and you can eat cheaply and well at the food carts!
portland, i will miss the beautiful willamette, where on the 16th floor of the ohsu center for health and healing where i have spent at at least dozens of hours of my time, i feel like i have gotten to know you well- winding and wide, you gently split portland into directions and create vistas wherever you may be looking.
portland, i will miss your independant radio, limbos, and a thriving art, boutique, music, gallery, and walking culture.
i will miss the clean air, the consciousness.
if southern california is slutty blonde woman in her 40's still beautiful but aging fast, portland is her curvy sister, perhaps not as flashy but worth the work and certainly as beautiful but in a less in your face way.
i love that, in portland, i can breastfeed my child wherever i want, in fact there are laws saying i CAN.
i love that portland has more midwives and birth centers then any other state and being odd, different, or counter culture here more the norm then the normal.
portland smiles on you.
if you can hack the 8 or 9 months of gray and rain, you will have the most blissful,glorious, sunny and hot and perfectly blue sky weather ever.
i love that portland has all the hipsters of the san francisco with almost none of the attitude.
in portland, being pale is ok. everyone is pale.
i love your portland oregon. your beer, your people, your music, your trees, your kindness.
one day, my family and i will be back.
thank you.

cycles.

we are moving and its crazy and i have moved a lot in my life and sometimes "the same" scares me while change is normal for me, and so i am posting the cycle of the moon to remind myself that the ebb and flow of life happens. and its good to just flow with it. My four year old needs more predictablity and stability and schedule and "the same" in her life to create a peaceful pattern. i am learning. we all are.
surrendering to the moment and the now, in addition with deep breathing, has been very beneficial in my life.
you should try it.

its raining here. again. i will not miss the rain, but i will miss the green.

my next post? loving portland.

special ways of being.

we are spinning some vintage ozark mountain music on vinyl on the record player and our house now is filling with boxes. the trees whisper and sigh under the weight of the rain storm/cold front blowing through and i held my daughter while she was sobbing and thrashing her body around for almost two hours this morning.
my four year old has sensory integration issues and difficulties and a lot of the time clothing can trigger meltdowns of astronomical and distressing proportions.
she cannot help it and i cannot, sometimes, soothe or help her. i just have to breathe and remind her (and myself) that its ok.
she holds her distress in her body and when we get to san diego i am going to start looking into cranio sacral therapy for her, amongst other things.
as a mother, my heart hurts for my first daughter whose brain does not handle regular and normal stimulus- sometimes i feel like we are all barely functioning. and then the "real" her, that is her beautiful essence comes through and i see that i just have to be her advocate in all ways, even from herself.
it never occured to me that i may have a child with special needs- but she does. she is special and her needs from me are special. and i am learning how to do it so she can function in this world.
and for me, too.
heres to new ways of being and mothering.

our own little magical cottage.

we found a magical cottage with a yard covered in morning glories.

we are moving from portland oregon back to san diego.

the "coincedences" are too weird- the landlord just moved from portland.
our four year olds favorite color is purple and her room is purple.
we just painted my brother in laws studio pale green and our room in the cottage is pale green.
i used to live on this street many many years ago.
it is a magical cottage with hardwood floors, a washer and dryer and a back yard where i can garden. it fits all of my criteria. it is less then five minutes from the school i want my four year old to go to.

the universe will meet your needs if you ask. i have seen it time and time again.

on another note, i have spent the last 5 days taking care of our four year old who either has the stomach flu or food poisoning....i mean, mothers day is every day when you are a parent! i have to admit, though, sometimes i fantasize about sleeping for three days and my favorite beach in kauai with nobody on it except for me.
:)
more later.

i grew up on this beach.

isnt it beautiful?

california, im coming home!

even though we live in portland now, california will always be my home.
and even more specifically, the BEACHES of california are my home.

and speaking of beaches, i tried on a bathing suit today and was horrified.
until i realized that while my body is a body of a mother of two with not a lot of discipline what makes me beautiful is my

smile
laugh
kindness
sense of humor
paintings

and NOT my body. and so i am going to wear a bathing suit, bravely, on the beaches of southern california, because NOT going to the beach with my children, feeling the warm sun, swimming in the ocean would be a tragedy. and it would speak volumes to my two daughters about body concsiousness, and whom i want to teach to love their bodies.

so, california, i have missed you and your beautiful beaches, and most of all the sun. we get to shed layers of clothing for each 100 miles we drive.

cant wait.
oh, and bok choy garden? my most favorite veggie chinese restaurant in the world? you are closed. CLOSED AFTER GOING THERE FOR 15 YEARS! i bid you a bittersweet goodbye. sob, sniff. i will visit your sister restaurant in berkeley. you will be missed.
change happens. you have to roll with it.
anyone going anywhere fun soon?

spring forward.

its spring now. here in the pacific northwest, that means a lot of things. it means longer days, flowers bursting out of the center divide, in alleys, alongside roads, on the trees and in gardens. i planted primroses in the hail and 4 out of 6 nasturtiums are taking hold.
it means hints of sun where there was none in the deepest darkest parts of winter.
it means hope.
we are going to spain this summer.
i have been trying to network and do photo shoots to gather pictures and experience for my portfolio.
i am learning a lot about myself as a mother and wife.
we visited my family in florida and that was really good and good for me and my husband.
i am making changes in my life that feel really good. i feel inspired.
i am exercising again.
i am going to dust off the juicer.
i am going to stretch.
i am going to be more kind, to myself and to all of my conflicts and challenges. by this i mean, i am going to surround my hurts/pain/obstacles with kindness. i see things grow if kindness surrounds it.

books i am loving right now is anything by eckhart tolle and shakti gawain.

making time for myself.

making time for friends- its a ladies night tonight.

if you want peace, you have to be peace.

i am breathing in peace. and spring.


i WILL be posting pictures soon.
i have to show you spring. the trees look like veils of blossoms. its quite extraordinary.

and how is spring treating you?

painting.

i painted a picture today.
it is a painting of me.
it is not sophisticated. it does not reveal genius or really even talent.
but it felt so good i have decided to paint for myself anyways.
i wish i could figure out how to download pictures from our new camera onto the computer- then i could show you, but i am proud of myself because i painted for 20 minutes while the baby slept and i realized that the reason i HAVENT been creating is because the way i can create now is really a lot different from the way i could create before- and now i just have to create in the way that fits into my life.
in little pieces and time frames. little bits eventually add up into something bigger.

heres to painting.

different thangs.

i think i am going to take this blog in a different direction.
food?
makeup?

i think i am ok with that i can hang my hat on different hooks, not just the writing hook.
i can identify with all the different creative things i do.
i dont have to beat myself up for calling myself a writer but -gasp!- NOT writing.

stay tuned...

good things.

some things i am really grateful for, and things i am seriously digging:

a date by myself for TWO WHOLE HOURS!
i went to powells books (a three story full city block long bookstore- need i say more?) and roamed through the literature section and the poetry section and the new fiction section and the travel section. i wore my black boots and i sat and i read about cities in mexico and poems by black women inmates and saw calendars and journals and cards and magnets and more books then i have ever seen in my life.

i was in book heaven.

when i die, please let me drift endlessly as a readin' fool at powells.

oh my goddess, this place was amazing.. and i felt like i was swimming in an enormous bowl of words. AN ENORMOUS BOWL OF WORDS. and i was my own word/name floating around in all of these other words, and each person was their own word swimming amongst the books.

and then i went to the library. and to the little local food co-op, and had a coffee.
and the rain was just rain, not some siren call for depressed thoughts.

i am grateful for the health of my children and the fact that the next year will hold tremendous changes and beautiful experiences.

good things are not just "happy" things. good things can be hard things, too.

2009 was an extremely difficult year- hard. but good. i found a strength i didnt think existed within myself and i grew tremendously.

what are your good things?

good love.

i have decided that there only two things in the world that are the most important for me to remember.

am i good?
do i love?


within those questions are thousands of answers and more questions and they all lead back to those two.

being good, for me, is being connected to the source and essence of life- which is god, goddess, and love.

loving is being mindful and kind in every way and everything i do-to myself, family, actions, thoughts, daily routines.

there is a buddhist saying that says we should live each day like it is our last, we will find much joy in our lives then.

this helps me unbelievably when i get caught up in my own tangled webs of discontent or complaining (which is really just another way of hiding something, i find)

the best part about turning 31 is the awakening i feel.

my baby has her appointment tomorrow and either way we will know more.

i feel more at peace with everything, as i know that we will just continue to love her as we have been doing. most of it is out of my control. i have to let go.

on a completely different note, we got some rugs and something to hold our records, and something to hold our shoes, and our apartment feels different on an energetic level.
its amazing how sometimes the most simple of tasks can make such important changes.
!

galoshes.

big week this week.
babies endo appt on friday-
today i am taking my girls to a naturopathic physician to see why my three (almost 4 holy cow!) year old has excema on her arms and why its getting worse.
i am working out again.
my man and i are organizing and our apartment feels more liveable.
have you seen food inc?
the doc on food/where it comes from/how and why?
it is beyond disturbing.
it really inspired my husband and he now wants to eat the way i do- healthy, fresh, organic, non gmo, veggie.

i am up before my family, sipping coffee in my elvis mug.
doesnt get much better then that.

lately we have been talking about getting off the grid completely.

i want to manifest a garden. i want to can and jar my own produce for the winter.
i want to stop complaining and count my blessings.
i want to swim in the ocean.
i want to laugh more.
i want to s t r e t c h.
i want to finish MY PAINTING!
i want to never give up.

i want to remember my divinity and i want to remember yours too.

i want to create always. always.

the rain falls (surprise surprise) but somehow i am learning to accept it. . .
you wear galoshes!

medical anxiety.

i just got off the phone with my babies doctor and it has been determined that she has adrenal supression from the steroid treatment she recieved as an infant for a large hemangioma growing on her eye.
she needs to go to her endocrinologist to rule out any adrenal disease/disorder but my mamas intuition tells me this is a side effect from the steroid.
she is three pounds under and several inches shorter then whats normal and her doctor expressed concern for her if there is any major illness- as her adrenal glands are not functioning properly, she is not able to fight infection. she suggested i go to emergency room at doernbechers childrens hospital immediately if that occurs.
all of this is so frightening.
but as my lovely dad suggested, she is healthy, active, developmentally fantastic in every way, and we will get through this and she will be fantastic.
i love you dad.
and if anyone else is reading this, please pray for health for my baby girl.
(she may be small, but she is SO tough)

connecting the dots.

i got a massage today and i literally felt my body let go and release. it was the best massage i have ever had.
as my body started to shift i felt like i had ephiphanies about my life and body, my body ideas and issues and how to go about change.
this massage therapist was an absolute healer.

i understand the connection of allowing myself to love myself.
this means honoring the quiet but wise voice that always seems to "know" what it is i need.
i run around all crazy and frantic half the time, the other time annoyed or overwhelmed or fearful. but that voice, which i believe comes directly from god and our angels, is what drives me to want to be better and leads my intuition. feeling my body so present got me INTO my present and i felt lighter as her hands soothed my aching muscles.
i realize that i can start however i want, but starting is what makes you go.

i felt relief. i felt gentle. i felt strong.

driving home, i realized that i am ready to let go of old ways of seeing things and have FAITH in my life, self, and destiny.
things can change a lot in twenty years, 10, 4 or 2. where i will be next year begins with my thoughts now.
i feel more hopeful.
i feel bountiful.
i feel joyful.

something shifted. it happened. i felt it. i feel it.
i hope that this new year bring lots of joyfullness to you, too.