you will always be my baby.

i remember when i lived in berkeley and my first sister went to school for the first time, and my dad told me he took her on the bus and held her hand and took her to school. i cried. i was only 19 or so.
well, i am 30 now and my first baby is going to school for the first time today. i am happy. she needs the structure, kids, play- but i cant help but feel a bit choked up about it.
she picked out her own backpack (a sunflower on it) and lunch container (a ladybug)and a purple water container and a new outfit for her first day. as she was drifting off to sleep last night, she says "mama? i be going to cool tomorrow? (yes baby) and you are going to drop me off? (yep!) will there be candy? (probably not honey) your the bestest mama in the whole world, and the best onest too. oh, and i like your boobies."
ha! :)
she is well done with breastfeeding as that is her baby sisters job now, but i guess kids remember the intimacy associated with nursing.
she makes me laugh.
she also makes me want to tear my hair out with frustration, and kick the wall. as of the last three months she is:
willful
highstrung
persistant
ornery
cranky
bored
tired
grumpy
frustrated
highly sensitive
picky
complainy

she is also:
hilarious
full of empathy
the best big sister in the world and soo gentle
sweet
eager
excited
willing
pure and fresh
making her way in the world.

she will always be my baby, even when she is 80 and i am in another lifetime.
so heres to my first daughter, the one with the chestnut colored glossy curls, huge brown eyes with golds and greens (if you look at 'em just right, in the light) eyelashes her eyebrows get tangled up in, and cream skin with roses floating in it. heres to my first child, who, along with my 22 hour labor, bulldozed a comfortable place in my heart and set up shop. she is what makes me better, and because of her, her sister will know an even different mommy.
i love you. be good at preschool baby!

all you need is love.

last line of last song of last beatles album:

and in the end
the love you take
is equal to the love
you make.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

my husband has been gone for 8 days, and heres some things i miss:

his almost completely full coffee cups he leaves all over the house- he takes ONE sip and then forgets about them, and then does that two or three times.

his whiskers all over the sink after he shaves.

someone to drink coffee WITH in the morning.

how we talk about whatever we are reading.

how even when hes not really listening i barrage him with my anecdotes and philosophies and how sometimes i will follow him all over the house, saying you know? you know babe? babe? babe? and he will just smile.

that in the morning, NO MATTER WHAT, he will say good morning.

talking about what we are going to do with our day.

his playing guitar. i miss singing our song.

my husband and i have been through everything. death, life and everything in between. good and bad. sorrow and loss. we have been friends and lovers and just parents of children and back again and in and outs of all the taboo things married people go through but no one admits. we almost got DIVORCED for crying out loud. we are getting into our groove and learning about ourselves within our relationship and re-discovering how we want it to be.

our five year wedding anniversary is on sunday. we have someone to watch the girls (thanks rebecca!) and we are going to go on a date ALL BY OURSELVES!

my husband is spanish and beautiful and mercurial. he is passionate and explosive and hotheaded. if you can hang through his exterior, you will see that inside he is gentle and loving and soft and generous and wise. he is a gemini, so you know, he is actually TWO people.

i have a box, in the corner of a closet, filled almost to the brim with letters we have written each other over the years. some of these letters were written in:

airplanes and airports
a blizzard in santa fe
various different beaches in california
kauai
miami
cafes
bars
restaurant's
cars
trains

if i were to put them all together and bind them with a ribbon, the letters would be a book. perhaps for our grandchildren?

i am exhausted. i do not think i would much like being a single mother of two.

and i am so glad that i have a little family and there are so many things to look forward to and to be grateful for.

close your eyes. imagine your life without your husband/wife/partner/children.
puts things into perspective when you picture your life without the people you love.

now love them. go.